I have been having a difficult time figuring out how to express my new adventure in Australia. I haven’t been able to express my feelings, because I am still coming to terms with my life these last nine months. I have been on my own since I was 17 years old, basically became a mother to my entire family since a very young age, and always…and I mean always was in control. I was always in control of my feelings, my money, my everything. For the first time in my life, I have been out of control, out of control with my feelings, my money…everything…My peace comes from my son, because when I look into his eyes I see true, unconditional love, no one can take anything from those moments with him.
I have this awareness that I am homeless back in L.A, not making any money, a car that I can’t afford and have a son that I need to care for. I believe that everything happens for a reason regardless of how fucking terrified I am. Excuse my language, but that statement is how I feel, and often what my nightmares consist of….Fear. Fear is such a crazy feeling…at times you don’t know where to place it. I have been afraid for the last couple months in my own skin, in my relationship, and in my future. But if you don’t have fear I don’t believe you have lived, sometimes you need a kick in the stomach to make sure you are alive.
I think of my research on the Congo, and how the women just SURVIVE. They live in fear with every moment of every day. Women carry babies by rapists, have their babies, and act like it has never happened with a smile on their face. They love those children and continue each day with peace and forgiveness. How can they do that? I wish I knew, because I feel selfish in my own emotions sometimes and then I realize that my story is my story and it is coming to terms with peace within myself.
I remember when I was young, my mom used to tell me I was “special.”
I never understood why she would say that. I heard that a couple more times in my life and one day I looked in the mirror, and I saw why.
I took care of everyone unconditionally every moment of every day…that was my gift. My gift was to put myself before everyone, even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness for someone else. Yes, I am very grateful to be that person because that is who I am, but also has brought pain and unhappiness to my life, especially within this last year.
I would find it hard to see the good in myself anymore. Sometimes life gets you low, that you forget what love is. I remember being light, happy, giving, and then fear happened. Fear left me in a place that the special I used to see in myself had been removed. I had removed myself, because my whole life I had been a caretaker to everyone and I was done. I was done….and then I found out I was pregnant. The gift I had wanted for such a long time and the only thing that truly mattered to me, I was done caring for anything but myself.
The universe wouldn’t let me care for myself because that isn’t who I am. I am not that person that selfishly lives each day caring about them, but I did need to learn about boundaries. I am the absolute worst with boundaries because I have none. I laugh, because I don’t and working through it everyday. I sometimes feel mean and harsh, but I realize how important to love yourself is, and now raising my son, I need to come to terms with those emotions.
We all go through this.
We all go through a fear of not being enough. We all go through a fear that relationships won’t survive. We all go through fear that what is the point of it all? I have the answer…
Isaiah’s smile when he see shadow puppets.
That moment. That moment is what makes my life SPECIAL. That moment is what makes my ego and fear disappear every time. His smile is a reminder that I brought a life into this world. A world that regardless of how I may feel at times has brought me joy, love, and my soul mate. It’s as simple as that…shadow puppets.
I feel I touch on fear often because I believe as a human race, we are driven by it. I know I am.
I have no regrets, just awareness. I urge all of you tonight to look in the mirror and say something good to yourself. Hell, all week, go speak to yourself and share your fears, trust me that honesty with yourself will bring you joy and peace. If you have children, go look into their eyes and share with them why they are special to you. If you have a animal that is like your child, I encourage you to do the same. Sometimes life is hard, but know you are not alone, just remind yourself that you are SPECIAL.
I promise a Australia FOR REAL post coming this week.
I needed to share this first.
You are Special
Love and Light,