I have just finished staring at my son for 20minutes because that is what you do when you have a baby, you stare and cry with true love. I was holding his little hands, deep in thought of how I was going to express my story. What story you ask? The story of my life, the past 3months, the story that has been brewing, struggling, and more this past year. This past year has been a year of depression, anxiety, and needing to find strength because I had been lacking a purpose…and then.
I look over to my son and the curve of his mouth is smiling with both hands by his ears because that is his signature position. Precious. I get the strength. The strength to share my story as truthfully as I can. Now please know my hesitance of sharing my story to begin with is due to the social media scrutiny we live in, so I ask one thing….one thing only. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. When you become a mother it is amazing how nothing else matters including the trolls of the internet that sit in their misery while judging the lives of those they don’t even know. I ask and beg you, if you have the urge to say something mean look in the mirror and ask: Who am I?
We all are sacred. Our life story is sacred, and we as a human race must respect, love, support, and cherish ones truth. The reality is, no one really knows what one goes through and the impact of words and actions can damage/elevate another humans life. One of the lessons I learned by sharing the “cryptic” pregnancy”, which sounds so damn creepy and weird is that people made judgements of the woman I am, the life I lived, and it broke me. I was already broken, and one of my biggest regrets was allowing myself to let evil in, because Isaiah is nothing but good and pure and this is our story.
April 19, 2015, was the day I found out I was pregnant. My Love and I were at Coachella and he placed his hands on my stomach as movement circulated with the bass of the festival. At that moment, we knew. Now being pregnant is one thing, but finding out you are 8mo pregnant is another.
4/5 mo tops…. At this time I was barely showing, and I had left a nutritionist a few months prior as she told me I was lactose intolerant. Well….. Thank God that isn’t true, because I love cheese.
Periods? Now. Women, we all know our bodies are different. I had been diagnosed with a hormonal imbalance at a young age, which resulted in me taking shots til I was 13years old. The hormonal injections, plus birth controls, etc, left me having irregular cycles basically my entire life, not having a cycle for 6mo to a year was not uncommon for me.
So… All that being said.. leaving Coachella,that following Tuesday, I laid on that ultrasound table as the doctor told me I was 32 weeks and 4 days.
I’m sorry.. What? What?
I wish a camera had been on my face because it must have been classic. I was going to be giving birth in less than 2months. All I could think of was I am not making enough money? My car payment? How am I going to tell my mom, who I hadn’t spoken to for years? And then the doctor said,
“do you want to know what you are having?”
A boy. In that moment. I was the happiest I had ever been.
To save you all a 20 page blog post I learned five important things.
I have never understood the power of having expectations and the ability they have to make you question everything. I was so angry by the lack of support from people I thought would always have my back, and lonely.. I felt very much alone. Nights of crying myself to sleep because I had always been there for everyone and no one was there for me. I had always been on my own and always helped everyone around me, even if that meant sacrificing myself and then a light bulb went off. Don’t do anything for the expectation of what could be, because everyone is going through something… Everyone. We are all doing the best we can to survive our day to day lives and can give and love the best we can. Such a hard lesson to learn, because I love extra hard and extra deep, so stepping out of myself was difficult. Once I was able to step out of myself, I realized that I am a mother now and my energy goes into my son and only my son, don’t let expectations distract you from what is important…step up, stop crying, and do what millions of women do everyday be a mother and survive.
I work every day to cherish this concept. But as Maya Angelou says “Love Liberates”. I had to forgive myself. I had to forgive many people around me. I just had to forgive. The power of forgiveness is what I believe has been my heaven these last couple months. Hate in your heart is not worth moving forward and love….love is heaven on earth and allowing yourself to forgive will open a place in your heart for endless success and possibilities. My Isaiah is my heaven and I remember apologizing endlessly for not knowing I was pregnant, not being prepared, and looking down at his face I was able to forgive myself. Today I hold him and accept that what has happened is my journey and who cares what people think or feel because I am enriched with one hell of a story. Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a powerful Light.
I am going to keep this part brief because the women in my life deserve their own post. I am blessed. Blessed with the most gorgeous, powerful women, that have taken care of me. Thank you. Thank you for helping me through the storm. The power we have to nurture and support, I didn’t know how truly Lucky I was, until now. I am forever grateful, you know who you are.
I was sent two angels last year.
Jarryd Gorman was put on this planet for me. For years I have suffered in my relationships, giving my entire being to souls that didn’t deserve my Love. Then a gorgeous, intelligent man came into my life that not only changed they way I see the world but the men. I am not going to lie, I have been having a hard time believing the Love he has for me because when you have been hurt, you stop believing. Don’t stop Believing. I was sent an angel, and because of him I am able to move forward in a life I deserve…I DESERVE. We all deserve love, loyalty, and stability and I am forever grateful and in love. Thank you Baby Jesus for sending me my SoulMate.
Move On. Don’t let anyone and I mean ANYONE take your power because the Light at the end of the tunnel is so bright and true. I never thought after a year of quitting my job, falling into debt, having evenings where I couldn’t afford food that I would be on a plane to Australia preparing for my next step. The next step in my journey, that is beautiful and bright and more than I could ever dream.
We all have a life purpose
Don’t let fear, hate, debt, whatever it may be, take away your power.
Love and Light,